Melody's Musings

I started writing this earlier, and then a computer reboot forced me to start over- from scratch. Nothing quite so Mercury Retrograde as that! I've been reflecting on how I want to show up in the world as of late and the Cancer New Moon has really forced me to confront areas where I feel my energy being drained- trying to seal up the holes and perhaps even pivot directions just like the picture of the creek above which is seen making an acute turn to return to the flow of the rest of the creek. Water is fluid and it takes the shape of its container. It flows and changes with the terrain but it also always finds the path of least resistance. In much this way, I'm also trying to find the paths of least resistance for myself. That is part of what refining systems is supposed to do for us.

I've been reflecting on my own systems lately. Someone told me the other day that they appreciate that I'm very by the book. I have been thinking about that because my relationship with rules is actually pretty complex and it has to do with a detailed and nuanced risk assessment. I like to understand the rules surrounding things well enough to know both the rationale behind them and thus understand the flexibility or rigidity of said rule. The rules give me structure because they give the boundaries. Once you know the boundaries, you start to find the shape of the container and feel the flow. From a secure framework or foundation, you can build structure. It's exactly this bottom-up approach that makes me philosophically a bit different from others.

I've felt a lot like this meandering stream pictured above lately, going off in different directions and then coming back to the main creek. Part of that is trying to find my own way- because the main stream approach has never really worked for me. I know I need to show up authentically in the world but I continue to struggle with how much of me and what parts to show at particular times. Sometimes I feel like I'm just bumping into rocks all the time. There's so much you can convey with nature based analogies and I feel they're really underrated but we're going to abandon the stream for right now.

I'm going to return to the container- and the boundaries. I've noticed a few tests lately when it comes to holding my own boundaries and I feel like I've really been failing at holding them. Time in particular has been something I've referred to lately as a relentless march. I feel like I don't have time for anything these days. I have been trying to become more intentional with carving out pockets for the things that are important to me. I've noticed that more and more what is really important to me is soaking up the sun on my skin, feeling the water flow over my feet, the wind across my face. I've moved with joy- running through the woods with my kiddo and hearing him giggle.

I've also noticed more and more waking up to missed calls on my business line, far outside of the hours I've set for the business and messages on the voicemail. People calling my phone repeatedly minutes apart when I ignore the call while trying to respond to other messages. Multiple voicemails from the same person trying to book an appointment. I can see both sides of this- my business has different hours than a medical office. My business is also primarily *me*. My voicemail greeting states several things: that phone calls take longer to return because of the greater need for focus and devoted quiet space to make them, that if one needs a quicker response to please text or email, and if one is looking to book an appointment to please do so through the website. I didn't make that voicemail recording lightly. I made it because I was already noticing a resistance within me to returning calls from potential patients. I also made it because I thought that if I put my expectations out there that people would be more likely to understand how best to reach me in a respectful way. I still felt guilty not calling that person back and I've been grappling with the issue of boundaries more and more. However, in a time where I feel pressed for time and want to spend more of it with my family- in a time where I feel more need for rest and respite than I can seem to get- I'm thinking that perhaps it's not the end of the world to let some of those things go.

At the end of the day, if someone can't respect my clearly communicated boundaries, posted business hours, etc- then maybe I've dodged a bigger lesson on holding my boundaries. Perhaps something needs to shift. However, without changing one of the variables, nothing will really change. My business is the container for my work and I think perhaps I'm watching the shape of it change over time, as I change.

Over the course of the last year or so, I've really been trying to figure out the secret sauce behind having it all- or some perfect balance between making enough money to live life but still having time to enjoy my time here. Of course, this theme might be evident over the course of my last several blog posts as I explore both how I got here, where the acupuncture profession stands, my approach to all of it and my rediscovery of the need for my own self care that doesn't involve a doom scroll through social media on my phone. That need to also balance remaining informed with a need for reclaiming my time and having a break. A break is something my generation has not experienced- living through unprecedented event after unprecedented event.

The diversification of my income is perhaps a response to that environment. However, when one is pulled in so many directions and has their hands in so many things, our impact tends to become more surface level and right now especially I think folks are craving depth. How do I balance all of these things? Sometimes I just have to follow the branches of the stream to see where they all lead- often times they rejoin the rest of the creek. 

P.S. If you're reading this and got this far but are one of the people who called me- please just book online. I promise, it's better for both of us!